Thursday, April 16, 2015

ISIS Against The World

I liked this so much I thought I would repost it.  Why?  Because I want to.

ISIS Against the World.

Abdulluh and the other ISIS junior officers stood and snapped to attention as The General briskly walked in to join the meeting that was about to begin.

The searing heat outside had finally dissipated from Abdullah’s skin as they had been in their “war room” for a couple of hours now.  Earlier in the day they had finally run out the Iraqis from the city where they discovered this fortified building as it made an ideal Strategic Command Center.  The air conditioning from the LGPinguini air conditioner felt good as the last of his sopping sweat evaporated.

“PBUY! “ The general said waving to the officers to sit back down. “Do we have the conference call in? “  He grabbed the chair at the head of the table and plopped down, elbows resting on the conference table, rubbing his hands together.

Abdullah swallowed and said, “Yes, commander.  We’re Skyped in and have on the other end an ISIS contingent battling on the border of Lebanon.  We were just about to discuss tactics.”  Abdullah tried to sound as calm and professional as possible but couldn’t help but be intimidated by the giant of a man who he considered almost a god (well, not really since TINOGBA).  They had made incredible progress mainly because of this man’s ingenuity and cunning - ABP.

They all sat together and faced the webcam “Greetings from the New Caliphate capital!”  The General said smiling. “Do you have a report for us?”

“General, I am honored by your presence! ABP! PBUY!“  The person at the other end of the video conference call smiled broadly.  The others around him were visible, all leaning in to be part of the conversation, trying to be seen by the general. They were all still wearing the face masks with only their fluttering eyes and white teeth visible.

“We are making steady progress in rooting out and killing the infidels.  We have massacred so far 25 Lebanese dissidents who defy the Law of Allah.”

“Stop right there.  You said 25?” The general snapped.

“Uh…Yes, General.”  As if following a script, the other insurgent faces lost their smiles and slowly, almost imperceptibly, started moving out of the webcam’s view.

The general smiled.  “That is significant progress!  Your last Tweet mentioned only 10!”

Relief spread throughout the group. The masked faces with fluttering eyes and white teeth quickly reappeared. “Yes General, I was just in the process of sending out the latest tweet.  You should receive it shortly!

While he was saying the words, the general felt his Samsung S5 phone vibrate.  He pulled it out and saw the new Twitter update from the Lebanese frontline. He smiled.

Several junior officers reached into their pockets as ringtones of various prayer calls alerted them of the new tweet. Except one ringtone sounded like his favorite Madonna song.

“Also, General, we have been dealing with logistics problems – .“  The screen froze for an instant and the Sony Laptop screen went BSOD.

The general and others moaned.  “Ahmed!  Where is Ahmed?  It’s happened yet again!” The general twisted around looking for their IT worker.

“Here, General!”  The ISIS tech, Ahmed, quickly moved in, twirled the PC around to assess the BSOD and read the codes to determine what the cause was.

“Where is your Apple Macbook Air?” The general barked.

“It’s back in the IT shop, several buildings down.  I have been telling Central Command to issue more Apple Macbooks but they won’t listen.”

“Why is that?”  The general started impatiently thrumming is fingers on the table.

“They said the best Quran Holy Prayer programs are written for the PC, not the Mac.”

The General grunted as Ahmed rebooted the Sony PC to continue the conversation.

As if on cue, someone passed out Cokes to help dissipate the last of the sweat. The General looked at his bottle intently as the ice slid off the sides of the bottle, just like in a commercial.  He frowned and with one swoosh of his giant hand he sent the bottle ricocheting off the Panasonic refrigerator the soldier took them from.  “I hate the sight of this….shit Coke!” And then in his best sotto voce he slowly parsed his words through gritted teeth saying, “I. thought. I. told. you. I. liked. Fanta.”

The group of officers sat quaking in silence.  The server lost his smile and bowed stiffly. “Yes, General, you did.  The Fantas are in transit but the Fiat broke down again.  I will obtain one for you when they arrive later today.”

The General shifted his eyes suspiciously at them.  Finally saying “very well.”  The relief in the room was like an overinflated tire that had the air let out.

Still steaming from the news, the General said, “Abdullah, please make a note for Logistics to get rid of all Fiats.  We must go back to either Toyota pickup trucks or modified Hyundai SUVs if we want to ever improve the reliability of the supply chain.”

Abdullah rapidly scribbled the order in his log on his Microsoft Surface Pro 2. “Yes, General!”

 “General, we have the Lebanese contingent on WhatsApp.”  Ahmed said as he frantically typed into the chat.

“I HATE WhatsAPP! What was Facebook thinking when they bought it? Anyway, I hate how it handles audio and video.”  The General objected.

“Sorry.  We can switch to Facetime.”  He typed into WhatsApp asking if the Lebanese contingent had a Macbook laptop with them.

“We don’t have Macs here.  Just PCs!”  Came the typed response.

Ahmed, the IT guy, typed furiously, sweat becoming visible on his temples as it trickled toward his cheeks as he could almost feel the sharp sword blade against his neck, “We have an iPhone here.  How about you?” He typed.

The response scrolled across the screen. “We don’t have any iPhones here.  We do have a couple of Windows phones, if that helps.”

The IT guy tried one more text “Do you have Kakao Talk?”

There was silence.

“We don’t even know what that is!” Finally came the response.

The general was just getting close to losing it. “What about Yahoo messenger?”

“It’s not installed.  If you give me a few minutes –“

The General was perturbed to say the least.  “Just restart Skype and let’s get this done.” He sighed.

Once the Skype connection was reestablished the ISIS Lebanese contingent leader at the other end continued “As I was saying General, we have some issues regarding the supply chain of weapons and fuel. But nothing we haven’t been able to overcome.”

The general regained his smile. “That is an excellent report!  Thank you so much for your time and…ABP!”

“General, one more thing!  We have great video footage of the carnage we have wrought.”

“That is very good news!  Make sure you upload it to Youtube as soon as you can.  We will have the Westerners quaking in their boots and peeing on their goats!”  He let out a belch and started laughing holding his belly. The other attendees belched and laughed along with him.

The conference call ended.

The General stood and smiled broadly saying, “We will finally show the evil corrupt infidels how stupid they are. We will crush their stupid anti-Islam culture, wiping out all they stand for and replace it with the far superior ISIS culture and religion and what it stands for!”

At that point a courier rushed in simultaneously pulling a folder out of his satchel.
“General, Sir!  Papers approving the deployment of troops to Baghdad. I need you to sign.”

“Yes, the final blow to the infidels.”  He reached for his pen, not finding it in the left shirt pocket of his vest where it normally resides.

Looking around, still patting his vest, he asked, “Where’s my Parker?”

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